its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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