i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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