my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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