I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
