my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
