i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
