I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
