Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
People with herpes should wear stickers.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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