He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Holy shit dude........stairs
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