Don't make out with my wife yet
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
