this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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