i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
