i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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