Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
