Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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