i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
