What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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