i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
