I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
