dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
