I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
