Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
