Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
