those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
