I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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