you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
