people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
