take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
