I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
