I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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