You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
