please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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