Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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