I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
