Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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