in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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