I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
