I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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