Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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