I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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