God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
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He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
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the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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