I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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