I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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