We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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