Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
