If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
