Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
