Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
