Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
