You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
