I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
