Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I need moral support for this bender
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
