I accidentally had phone sex last night
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
