god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
