My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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