I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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