textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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