I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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