I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
