i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
