i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
